Heyya ! So hm, plenty of things in my head right now, it would be nice to tell someone what's in my head and the things I've done in the past that I am not very proud of. But I can't just tell it to someone, ya know ? It's just not something a girl would tell, even to her closest friends. I mean, every girl has her secrets, an ocean full of secrets, most of it are not things to be proud of that she can tell to her best best friends or the love of her life. It just does not work that way.
I just told snippets and bits of the secret and memory that I've had to my boyfriend, and I didn't realise how difficult it is to tell it. I'm in a bit of a shock that I actually just told it to someone, it makes me want to cry, a huge lump in my throat. But before I went any further, he said to stop, so lucky me. It was good of him to tell me - and here I thought chivalry is dead - to stop anyway, I just cannot explain the feelings I'm going through now. Overwhelmed, shocked, sad, angry, bitter, all in one. The memory suddenly becomes more vivid now after I told him some, I think it's worse.. I just want to cuddle up to someone and cry, it hurts so bad. I inflict it onto my own self anyway, I was immature and stupid. It's not something I will feel jaded about anytime soon, and even later I bet.
But then, I'd stop and think, what's passed is passed right ? All that's in the past should stay in the past and you learn from it. It's part of life. Like how my ustazah would say, Qada' dan Qadar.. Everything that happens and will happen to you and everyone else is part of God's plan, and it's how God wills it. Everything that happens is meant to be. Now, I'm not the most religous person you'll meet, but I do believe in Allah and everything that happens to us has its reasons. Maybe God wants us to see that that person isn't right for you ? Maybe God wants you to see that you're just blinded by 'love' and you're goddamn stupid to even be with an ass like that. UGHH kk letting off some steam there haha. But then, when you're blinded by this 'love', you put your faith and religion aside and just do without thinking. It's really one of the worst things that can happen to you in life. And I desperately hope my children will be smarter and more well-equipped - faith-sense - than their mother once was.
There are times also when I feel like just killing myself, like how they do it in the movies, cutting my wrists or something like that, just so I wouldn't have to live another day thinking about it and having the memories just thrown at me day by day by day by day. It just gets tiring to have to live through it, and I feel demoralised and useless and just not meant to live anymore. I just want someone to shed some light on this and talk me out of it and make me feel better. Ironically, when I was comforting my friend about this suicide topic just now, I answered my own questions. I don't want my friend to die, and it just got me thinking, I don't think my friends and family would want me to kill myself too also, right ? I told him that, why would you want to take your own life ? Apart from it being a sinful thing to do, it's also not your time to leave the world yet. It's not worth it, it won't ever be. It's your time when it's your time, when God says it's your time. For now we have to stay strong and take life challenges as God's test to us, test on our faith and belief in Him.
So yeah, I think I've got most of it off my chest by now. Like I said, I'm not the most religous person you will ever meet, I don't pray five times a day, I haven't been reading the Quran in a while, I didn't get A for Pendidikan Islam in SPM, but I do believe in him. InsyaAllah God will help me to get through my life with ease, help me go through hiccups in the road and not lose my faith in him, Amin.
Til then folks, Goodnight (:
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